we black-lighted her bedspread and it looked like a jackson pollock painting.
Girls don't like it when you cum inside them and then discuss baby names.
Im def. not watching the CMAs. If Kanyes not gonna be there whats the point?
Mike and I just ate the lobster we found in the toilet
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Just saw a woman with a Pomeranian in her bra. Way to step up your game Seattle.
You are too young to settle down enjoy your life. The window to get drunk and have casual sex with strangers gets smaller by the day.
My body is a temple...that happens to be able to get me free Patron shots at the bar
Realized it was likely to be cursed, didn't want my own Johnson magically turning into some sort of fire breathing reptile and eating me
That is an interesting fear as well as image
Remember last time I drank with my mom? I asked if I got my dick sucking abilities from her.
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He got cut off by the bartender. So he kept buying people drinks of they would i get him a drink. Before you know it him and 8 people were outside the bat trying to get people. To by them drinks
How did you get him out of the shower last time?
Order Taco Bell and leave a trail of burritos leading to his bed.
I just wanted to personally thank you for throwing clementine slivers at me across the room while we made out
I still have to bake cookies and shave my legs so Mike can have MILF & cookies when he gets home.
She's the prison bitch to my Martha Stewart.
You date? I thought you just hooked up with your TAs
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