do you think my med school application would be worse off if "I like helping others and shit" slipped into an essay I emailed last night?
we tried have sex after i gave him a handjob. he wouldnt get hard and kept saying his little boy is broken.. please come get me
OH GOD PAJAMAS ARE SUCH A HARD CONCEPT RIGHT NOW
Pre-game strategy: play thunder by yourself in the shower. Surprisingly, success.
I was trying not to text you this weekend, so I deleted your number when I was sober. Then auto restore at midnight. It was like drunk magic
I've been thinking about it and if we ever have a threesome it'll start off with us clothed solely in our matching fur vests
Dude she only counts as your gf if you're home. We both signed the fair game contract when we became roommate. So are you really going to be mad or come eat a waffle with us?
Have to get circumcised. Doctor goes, "On the bright side, you can tell people your dick is too wide."
Almost to work. And still feel hungover. Like my body is trying to regenerate after dying. Full on zombie shit. But like, one of those zombies from warm bodies that comes back to life slowly.
You kept trying to make people drink "salsa-ritas." But all you did was dump tequila in a half full jar of salsa, and shove it in people's faces while shouting at them.
I just got a free round of shots. Don't you DARE fuckin tell me that A-cup boobs can't get you good things.
Come on kid, foreplay is elementary stuff. It's a vagina, not a sphinx.
You put a bag of sliced onions in the microwave then screamed, "voila, onion rings!"
My life has come down to me literally sitting on an uncrustables trying to defrost it because I’m drunk alone and hungry.
Typical. We're ready to go, and you're not wearing pants.
Randomize
