ive been sending my husband naked pics of my whole body from my phone..its a work phone. do you think our boss can see? if so, im either getting fired, or a raise.
Oh I forgot to tell you one of the little boys in my preschool class was wearing a Hooters tank top today.
it was like having sex with a tree stump
Are you seriously gonna shit with that life vest on?
Awkward moment #23: reasuring mom that the bf and I aren't having sex as seamen is running down my leg...
eating kraft dinner with my face. no forks.
Be there soon... with munchies, blow jobs and shoulder rubs.
We had to leave after he was in the middle of the street yelling "Balls of Steeeeeeeeel!!"
Don't blame me. I told you I didn't know if I had a key to those hancuffs.
Why is there puke in my guitar?
Because you puked in your guitar.
Whoever was doing lines off my iPad is a dick. Also bring Gatorade, for I hunger
For Who flesh?
Accidentally searched up "pizza pasties" instead of "pizza pastries". I was not disappointed.
Why do I know about what dicks have been in your mouth but didn't know you had a dog? What kind of friends are we??
you asked if you could borrow my vagina for the night
I’ve gotta be honest, I didn’t expect to have sex. I didn’t shave... anything. You couldn’t have been impressed.
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