I left my keys in the garlic bread freezer in Publix.
So my mouth tastes like dick. Does that explain how our talk went?
It was unlikely that the relationship was going to end with anything other than antibiotics.
I may not have eyeballs after all the drunk naked people having sex outside.
I only think it appropriate to apologize for making out with your next boyfriend. It won't happen again.
Just like to put it out there it's surprising how little reception a dog cage has
I can't wet the bed. That was the old me. I'm grown
Oh my god
I think the Predator is hunting me in my house. If I don't text you later, send Danny Glover. I love you all.
Some guy just ate one of the dog treats. I have him a free beer. I love my job.
The NSA quit spying on phones. I'm sending you SO MANY dick pics.
Sorry I called bc I needed help peeing outside
But I did it
I wanted to say, you're welcome for your orgasms, thanks for not returning the favor, Needledick
I'm no doctor but I don't think balls are supposed to look like that.
I still don’t believe you, the dog DID NOT tear down the shower curtain and shit on the floor.. we found you in the fetal position in the bathroom holding your tequila gun. It was you!
The progression was banging a stripper banging an unemployed stripper banging a sexual entrepreneur quarantining with benefits totally fucking whipped. Get it right dude
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