Also, I once came to the conclusion after this one boy, that her pleasure condoms are a college boys version of flowers
I decided that $2 and a kiss on the cheek was a great tip for the pizza girl. No one is REALLY sure how much I've have to drink.
My neighbor just watched me eat a granola bar without pants, this is a whole new level of unemployed
Everything gets a little fuzzy after the flats of jello shots, but I do have a vague recollection of being at the top of a large human pyramid
I hate that he uses me for something other than sex. What does he think I am? His girlfriend? Ha.
I just told a squirrel he was gonna suffocate because he was eating a plastic bag. and i stared at him till he spit it out. Its official, I love squirrels more than people. they actually listen.
Woke up on a mattress on a roof this morning with a pair of briefs next to me. Oh fleet week.
his face was nice enough, but his choice of footwear screamed columbian drug lord
We were pulling the glow sticks off of him and he just kept yelling, "my bones! You're taking my bones!" and asking me if I was on the crew team
you were afraid hed set himself on fire so you dumped a box of baking soda on him
If you die first, I'm going to sleep with a pallbearer at your funeral.
You can't do wine Netflix and blow jobs in the bed you've had since 5th grade with your parents downstairs
Not a problem, sailor. I speak both autocorrect and typo.
You're the only guy I know who could convince a lady at the pharmacy to trade you her pain pills for your antibiotics.
I hate closet cases. I've been wooing this chick the entire quarantine. We finally meet up tonight, we're two drinks in, I've got my hand half way up her skirt and her husband calls. She promised to bring home dinner.
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