it really sends the message that i like to impregnate mortal women and have them birth fantastic half man-half god infants.
The last two calls in my phone are dominos and 911. I'm not sure how my night went.
remeber the saying "bad choices make good memories" dude our bad choices dont even make memories.
Got high and weighed everything in the house. My head is 16.2 pounds. Is that ok?
I found ecstasy taped in my armpit... thank you drunk Marissa.
One step ahead. Always. Roses are red, violets are blue... I'm gonna fuck you with a rake.
You'd be amazed at how difficult it is to find pics of the helicopter dick
I am very proud of your internet skills
Mom brought home a 36 pack of Smirnoff and was all "ring any bells?" and then winked. I'm scared. What does she know?
life lesson #151: dont let people go batshit crazy and stab you in the knee
i will live by this rule
Woke up eating a pickle on the bathroom floor this morning in some random guys sweat pants.
I feel like I could get pregnant watching Zac Efron do yard work in this movie
He found out about your side hoe and still helped you try to find a lizard that got in the house
I'm still mad from all the stupid shit he's done this week that even though I couldn't give two shits about Vday, I'm gonna throw an epic tantrum if he doesn't morph in to Nickolas Sparks for a day
Like I just wanted some midlife crisis fun, not drama as big as his dick.
I don't think you could pull off being mean.
How do you think I'm still single?
Randomize
