I feel like tequila is Gods way of lighting my fuse to do something awesome
While I was banging her, her cell rang. She checked to see who it was, answered it, and moaned, "I'm dumping you."
I'm glad the dog doesn't judge me for doing leftover lines and watching George of the Jungle at 10 am
So many lesbians keep hitting on me. I'm about to give up and just go home with the manliest one.
Im drinking in homer but I guess Egan got arrestest on an "assault by water ballon" charge but tom actually threw the water balloon in question at the bartender.
there is an extreme lack of margarita in my mouth.
Dude... You called me at 3am to tell me you still had your pants.
Before we fucked we both mutually agreed not to tweet about it.
I may have to marry her. She is smarter than me and has a six figure job and doesn't want to have kids. All I have to be is a trophy husband.
I asked her why she was drunkenly masturbating to Iron Man and all she replied was "Robert Downey Jr". As far as excuses go, that seemed pretty legit.
For sure. I'm slow cooking a 6 pound pork shoulder wrapped in bacon. If that doesn't scream "guys I'm going into culinary arts lets get drunk" I'm not sure what does.
I had mediocre parking lot sex last night so the night wasn't a complete bust.
Wait... so you had sex and then your ear drum ruptured? I'm not sure if I want to ask if the two are related...
God help them if any millennials are in the vicinity. Rent is too high and we no longer fear death
Sorry I had sex in your backseat while everyone was in the car
It's quite alright. I found his shorts in my backseat, not sure what he was wearing when we dropped him off
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