She woke up laying on my kitchen floor, ketchup bottle as her pillow, in front of my fridge.
The first aid guy just told us to go get hammered...I'm taking his advice
He tried eating fireworks, to stop him being hungover in the morning. Where do you keep finding these people?!
Cat. Why do you sit on things I need to use.
Because it is cat.
Not sure how a movie about Jesus has managed to make me feel insecure about my boobs but it has.
There was confetti in my vomit this morning... Happy New Year!!
Who says there aren't gentlemen anymore? My one night stand warmed up my car for me
If you need to be the damsel in drunken distress make sure it's before 3.
Come over. But instead of sex, will you rub anti itch cream all over my face?
I'm gonna look back at these days one day and be like "damn I shoulda been turnt but I was in bed instead watching netflix"
He and I are in a competition of who can sleep with the most people at work. We're tied at two. I could win this if they'd stop hiring damn straight girls.
Is it sad that I planned a a romantic trip to dunkin donuts for and with myself on Saturday, then added an equally romantic after midnight stroll through the half off candy sale? I find that worthy of adding a few cats to my collection agree?
Oh my fucking god that cat looks just like you after you accidentally took Ketamine
Sorry, that was mean and I didn't mean it. I'm just mad at condoms
I swear if you help me with this I will eat you out and buy you all the Taco Bell you want.
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