I woke up this morning and "The Wood" was on tv. Touche TBS, touche.
imagine playing with puppies while we're drunk.
Like... we could film it and put like, "do you believe in magic" as the backround song and it would be complete joy.
I just found a 1/2 inch of mimosa in my shoe.
You should get more absorbent shoes.
I want him to get the hint. I sent 4 texts that only said "sex."
Just saw ur booking photo. Love that u were already wearing orange. Its like u knew
Just realized I left my heels in their microwave. Whoops.
Who was the person who brought the rooster when they won @ beer pong
That does it. We're drinking til we're pirates.
The bouncer was just about to kick Sarah out for getting with this guy 'too physically'. I told him that was 'her style' and he let them stay. Banter.
What's it called where you go to the stripclub with two guys that have both gone down on you...
Tuesday
He tried to puke in the 14th hole and when I told him to stop he started chanting "hole in one hole in one"
It's not a real holiday until someone pees on you. Did someone pee on you?
I don't believe in coincidence. I believe in the stars aligning perfectly to sodomise me in public. Who ever said I was cynical?
Taking a shit in a Texas 7/11... not accepting phone calls now lol
he was snoring so I have him a bj to wake him up and then told him he had to leave.
Randomize
