Why did you take off so early
No more beer. And also. Threesome. Maybe. Ill let you know.
She made me put my jeans under her mattress so that I wouldn't leave in the morning while she was still sleeping. Apparently I just look like "that guy".
On the bright side, I hit her with the door on the way in
The calves of my jeans are covered in jello shots from Sunday, how desperate do I have to be before I start licking them?
What's the appropriate way to phrase "If you ever leave your wife give me a call. But we can still have sex periodically until then."??
We have to have sex while I'm dressed as a tiger. It's one of my life goals
I'm beer bonging chocolate fondue. That's how my Valentines Day is going.
The only thing that got rode last night was the shit face train. I brought him home to see wht all the hype was about and he just started crying and puking in my bathroom.
The three yr old girl I nanny grabbed a pole just now and is chanting "this is my house"
Sounds like you at that dive bar last weekend
I remember us getting kicked out of the bar, but neither of us know why. We woke up next to chicken bones on a plate with spoons, and my car has mud all over it including places where feet shouldn't be, like the speakers on the car door.
I woke up with jello shots in pant pockets so I must've had fun
I need to thank someone for this kid's penis.
He said his name was Tony, after last night I will refer to him as Tiny
when your dumb AF ex “accidentally” venmos you $50 and texts you asking for it back..... —sorry I accidentally deleted your number and cashed out
I just asked Geoff what he is going to do because Hester left he said he was going to have gay sex with America.
Randomize
