WIFE SWAP. FAMILY OF MIDGETS. LIFETIME. NOW.
you kept wiggling your finger at everybody at the party telling us this is how he fingered me. you seemed pretty upset about it.
I'm gonna go out on a limb and say it had something to do with pool sex.
No...this little piggys going to the bar
how did operation slutty penguin go?
pretty epic. there was a guy who was also dressed as a penguin. i asked him if he would keep my eggs warm while i went fishing for the winter
First night sober since New Years. I'm not sure what hurts more, the hangover or the credit dread when I find out what the tickets to Bali actually cost.
I think sneezing out coked up boogers onto your professor disqualifies you from the "I was sick" excuse
Just jerked off with bubble wrap. Not as awesome as it sounds.
Also, can next Friday be Long Underwear Friday instead of Jockstrap Friday? Because I'm about to cough up a testicle.
He apologized for cumming on my leg, but not for ghosting me for 3 weeks before :(
Why would you get kicked out?
Well, an overweight man is currently not wearing a shirt. Or pants. And is getting in touch with his inner Chippendale. You can probably fill in the blanks.
i just want to cuddle, make out and maybe have a boob grabbed but no. someone has to have mono.
Come over. Bring drugs. My sister is making cookies. She took Valium. They should be badass cookies.
My mom is worried I'm not eating enough protein so she's sending me 48 cans of tuna. That's not a typo.
thank god my bra was in my purse... were all good
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