I think my mom's writing a book called how to fuck with your kids when you know they're high
I just wanna buy a tempur-pedic so i can drink in bed and not spill
I just jerked off and used a stopwatch to track my results. Pretty depressing on multiple fronts.
She was giving me a handjob while I was wearing a sombrero with a beer in one hand and a hammer in the other.
so some random man just messaged me on facebook "tig ol bitties" should i be concerned?
I projectile vomited in his sisters room where the toiled would have been if it were the bathroom.
I feel like a monkey keeps fucking me in the ear with a trombone as a dick.
But I wanna cuddle and just put my hand awkwardly close to your penis area by accident and look at you
If I don't have hickies that last till tuesday, I didn't do this weekend right
Want to run by the liquor store later? Tequila Youn should really be in attendance at Party Mountain. No one else could be our spirit animal.
After the 3rd time his brother walked in on us I asked "Does he ever knock?" his reply "This is his room"... Turns out he didn't even live there... I feel like a hoe.
I've decided that it's a bad thing. But I've also decided that I don't give a fuck.
Okay so it turns out that my bf keeps a log of every time I sleep-fart. It's dated back to 2013.
How do I tell this guy that if he does not like the condoms at my apartment, he should bring his own without sounding like a sure thing?
Say it's BYOC night at the beach. And, you are a sure thing. Own it.
Kay so its 9 am whose dumbass is gunna act sober to buy pizza rolls
Dude you promised
Randomize
