Currently looking for a new liver on ebay. Struggle.
Just shot my load on a stink bug. Thought you should know.
Some creeps at the festival started talking to me, so I told them I was going change my tampon. Worked like a charm.
I don't really want to explain to you right now but i just ate laundry detergent
I am currently sitting on a candy bar to warm it up cause it was in the fridge so I can eat it while watching the last song and smoking weed by myself
Well apparently I'm no fun since I won't have a threesome with him and my mother.
You were stoned out of your mind. We were eating cold cuts and you wouldn't shut up about how it was the wettest meat you'd ever felt in your life.
My purpose is to unleash drunk self on strangers, i believe as some terrifying icebreaker, otherwise i too would offer my driving services.
Do you think there are other mothers looking at porn in the carpool line?
So, Cheetos don't microwave great.
He said "send me a motivational picture" so I sent one with mayo on my face that said "clearly I'm no stranger to white stuff on my face"...I'm the fuckingng worst
It was horribly awesome. Its like looking at the sun, you know its bad for you but I just couldn't stop looking.
Why are you barefoot at a strip club?
I texted him: “Come over for the Super Bowl. I promise lots of scoring.”
My divorce is turning into a porn script
This is my life. Currently ordering a gift for my straight married girlfriend's husband from my lesbian married girlfriend.
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