Um....I woke up to a lipgloss covered bottle of Jack daniels in my arms..
You've kissed worse.
shouldn't i get a discount if shes pregnant?
You had me sold at "fucking you down the slide"
I will not fuck this loser. I will not fuck this loser. I will not fuck this loser.
one of the RAs is here. he told me his name is optimus prime and then took his shirt off and fell down
You drink it until you puke in a vent one time and it's ruined forever.
I just did a line of coke with an Olympic bronze medallist. I guess we know why he only got bronze.
I have this terrible fear I might accidentally text a pic of my dick to my grandma
It really went downhill when you started writing IOU on pieces of napkins. Giving them to the strippers
Real life dumb and dumber
I am truly sorry that you have to put your dog down. He was a great dog, and a great friend. I am still not showing you my tits.
Did you get your nipples pierced? I felt something poking through my shirt earlier and I really didn't want to say anything in front of your grandma...
Dude, I just feel great. I love life so much and I love you. Love. Love. So much love.
All I can taste is Pickle Juice and Cocaine.
Well, I ruined his toilet and he's still completely okay with me. Plus, it took him like a week to tell me.
If a girl I didn't love ruined my toilet I don't think I'd stick around.
Last night i walked into a gas station to get condoms. I threw them on the counter and the guy gave me a funny look because i was wearing a bra under an open cardigan and no shoes. I screamed "DONT JUDGE ME!" and he gave them to me for free.
Randomize
