The bird has been looking kind of ugly lately...gotta look nice to fly with the hawk ya know?
ur dog is so gonna tell on us one day.
for doing what?
for smoking bowls out on the deck while your parents aren't home.
Don't pass out before midnight like you did last year. See how much your year sucked
It was awkward being the only one at the wedding who knows that the bride and groom met when she gave him a lap dance at a strip club
Managed to convince my mom that I had been home for 3 hours sleeping on the couch downstairs and this t-shirt was your dads. I am SUCH a fucking boss.
Teflon bitches. Nothing fucking sticks to this kid, not even a kid. Maury Povitched this shit outta that situation.
I'm 25 and I shit my bed last night. And I'm telling you about it. Not sure which is worse
I'm not sure what your ex was trying to say to me I was too busy chanting your name in his face
Oh, cold wet seat on the 48! Are you piss? Are you the sweaty ass leavings of an obese person? Are you the spilled King Cobra from the night before? I do not know! I dare not smell to find out... Pants ruined...
I'm sorry for aggressively singing the Frasier theme song at you so many times last night.
I literally stopped banging her when my ESPN app alerted me that the Spurs had won. That's how much I hate Lebron. I would rather watch him cry in the post game interviews than get it in
Shaving your balls drunk sounds like a good idea untill you do it
I think my teeth are moving, they feel like people.
Fucking suck it up and drink your feelings like a normal human being.
i know were having a "heart to heart" right now, but does it make you feel uncomfortable that im sexting someone right now?
Randomize
