Dude, just walked by a homeless guy pissing on the sidewalk while he was screaming at his wang. God, I love this city.
But, I don't have the body of a porn star, so nobody would hire me. Unless they're doing like a trip to the safari and they need an albino rhino
I'd like to apologize to your liver. It sees how much beer i drink and gets jealous of how awesome my liver is.
Great parenting moment: noticing your kid is going to puke from gorging fish sticks and sending her outside. Then watching her puke on your dog.
She told me to wait on the sofa while she freshened up. She's been in the bathroom for an hour. I have a bad feeling about this.
I do remember getting hit in the face by an ugly one because she thought I was blowing on her butthole.
It's official. I am the girl who threw up in the library. Hangovers and midterms do not mix.
I'm really proud of myself for not blacking out yet this weekend!
It's a Thursday.
We're gonna have screwdrivers in a cab at 4am?
Is that weird?
Fuck you for setting me up with the guy from the Nickelback cover band
Payback for not stopping me from fucking the guy in the wookie costume
Found my bike today. On top of the garage. I'm not even going to ask myself why.
She can't brag about all the anal sex she has and then expect me not to awkwardly stare at her boyfriend when she brings him around
I've never wanted anyone to have herpes as I much as I want him to right now.
CODE RED CODE RED MY VIBRATOR IS BROKEN THIS IS NOT A DRILL
Do you want to talk about dinosaurs?
Randomize
