Soo both my 8 year old sister and fuck buddy are named Sarah..
this can't be going anywhere good
nooope. guess which one i texted last nite to come over so i could "punish her pussy"? =\
wrong asian. never thought that would happen.
stumble upon led me to how to make wine in prison, followed by wedding dresses. it knows my life too well
she pinky promised me she was 18
Literally everyone in the bar was absolutely hammered out of their minds. I swear I even saw the bartender swigging jd when he thought no one was looking. And there was me thinking Britain was the booziest nation in the world.
Welcome to America. You're gonna love it.
The real estate's complaint had the words "loud squealing at 2am" in it. Then I remembered that was me spoon feeding you guys old potato salad while you screeched like baby birds. Great night.
He's like a Lana del Rey song that took human form
She text me that night and asked how the dick was and I quote my drunk self "average at best"
you called me drunk last night to talk about summoning sex demons with magic WTF
I'm like 89% sure I could get him to buy me a car in exchange for a half-assed handy.
Man, it's really obvious that I was either handcuffed or tied up last night. Either way, not something you'd want coworkers knowing.
The only thing that makes a night with half a bottle of cheap vodka is the other half of that bottle of cheap vodka.
I still have that dildo-suction bruise on my forehead and this sweater STILL smells like my Christmas Eve vomit.
Yes. With one-hundred percent positivity I can say yes, I do not want you covered in waffles and syrup when I come home.
The last time we went to a costume party, you walked around in a loincloth with a cross and said you were Jesus. I'm eager to see how much more offensive you can be.
Randomize
