woke up in a garbage bag. literally. it was used as a sleeping bag.
i'd be lying to you if i said i didn't just bring up microsoft excel to make an alcohol budget
He told me he wouldn't do any drunk sluts but me. I guess that's sort of a compliment...?
You were sitting in the tub, clothed, squirting my KY all over yourself. You said "it's warm." then passed out.
And I can feel feelings now and they hurt
Im officially canceling McCormick Monday. I got a raise.
Sooo grey goose Tuesday?????
Life isn't about who you kiss, drunk, at midnight. It's who you text nonsense to, sober, from the toilet.
Chipotle just hit me... I want to go sit in the corner of the shower and cry until morning.
Let's have sex in an apple orchard
Before you jump in that vagina remember there's a reason we call her Infectonator.
I had sex in a panda mask the other night.
The man sent me a video of him doing the helicopter, the least I can do is go visit him in the hospital
I made her pull the car over 5 times to puke because she was going to fast, apparently she was only going 30mph...
why is there a thong in the fridge-NOT MINE-and a half of a pickle on the stairs?!
I don't wear thongs. The picle was for dipping. Ill explain later. Lacy or plain thong ?
I think every girl deserves a pregnancy scare. Because then it just feels like such a priviledge to be bleeding out of the vagina.
I legit just did a jig towards my box of tampons.
Randomize
