Tittie bar + Mother In law gone = mission accomplished.
living well may be the best revenge, but it doesn't hurt that my exhusband is now dating a BEAST.
We had literally Just finished having sex when he handed me a plan B and said he lied about wearing a condom.
I'm gonna have sex with a woman...help
One of my other friends found me and the dog in the back seat of this one guy's car....I don't even know
i knew you were okay when you wanted to eat in the ambulance
He used his one phone call to tell me not to let anyone drink all his vodka until he could bail himself out.
Do you think royal wedding drunk calls for wine or tequila?
You know you're fucked up when you throw your phone on the roof of the bar to show how good the Otter Box works.
Come over, I want to eat cookie dough off your dick.
It's been hot as balls outside. It's like getting tea bagged by the Sun.
You blacked out and then went around stealing other peoples phones and leaving yourself voicemails
I got two from random numbers, the first was me and said "Don't forget you murdered Josh in Wii Bowling"
The second Jenn said "You are ridiculously smart for drunk dialing yourself"
Whenever a guy asks me why I like weird sex stuff, I just answer, "Catholic School".
This is why I love being gay. I could never afford that much birth control.
His dog hid my thong. Let me tell you, the last thing you want during a commando mini skirt walk of shame is lots of wind. There’s a church congregation that knows all my business
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