Please forgive me. I will pay for your emergency room visit.
New low: just hacked my moms facebook
Nothings more american than taking a shit with a handgun next to you.
there is a school bus full of santas parked in front of the liquor store
i think the penis that was inside of me changed my life
Will you please bring me a line of coke at work without asking questions?
The second I saw you stumbling down the stairs in a princess crown, I knew I had a friend for life.
I'm just gonna get real fat and join the circus.
You told me you would ride a pig into the night sky screaming, "I wear my sunglasses at night"
I really shouldn't be this use to hearing "YOURE THAT GIRL?!?!"
There's nothing quite like having a little 8 year old boy hand me a Bible on campus while I'm on my way to the health center because of my recent slutty tendencies.
after you got high, you started to make guac with your bare hands and said: "there's soda bubbles in my legs"
I have easymac and six pack of beer. This night can't get any better.
one of my students asked me today if i was having a baby. fuckin 4 year olds and their lack of filter. time to get back to the gym i guess
Unless my dick prospects improve this year’s Halloween costume will include panties with “DTF” written on them and a push up bra
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