K got coke dick during a threesome with two strippers. Say no to drugs.
you went up to their shower, tripped in it, accidentally turned it on and then claimed that you like to "test everyone's showers"
Me and a lesbian played "may the best man win" over a bi chick tonight... I lost, still fun though
Those motion detector trash cans don't work fast enough to catch puke.
If I started a story with "That three-year-old totally deserved it," would you listen?
So even though we broke up apparently according to my voice mail you still like me, with smurfs while riding on a boat.
I do not want to do anything. The words more tequila need to be erased from my vocabulary
I just gave her a sobriety test in the middle of the baking aisle.
And the results, officer?
She's fucked.
We just weren't working out together, on a completely unrelated note some guy that i talked to on his grinder account said i could crash at his place
I envy your ninja level of don't give a fuck
Found my ex-boyfriend's money stash. Call the girls, we are getting fucked up tonight, my treat.
I found out that rock climbing and alcohol does not go together. Ask my broken arm.
The stock is going waaaaay up on that picture of my pussy with a bowtie on it.
Can we go out and get blitzed in celebration that they'll be no more surprise kids
When I found out he was circumcised I called his mother and thanked her
My nipples are YOUNG and they need TWISTING
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