Yeah unless I can find some idiot to make love to
Every time we have sex I can't stop thinking about Jesus
Just accidentally pinched my dick between two 50 pound dumbbells while doing shoulder shrugs. God hates me.
Apparently i was peeing on things and marking my territory. I broke their light socket too. Needless to say im banned from their apartment.
I need to stop drinking. Side note- we have a party bus tonight. So the drinking will have to end after that
Def walking back to my apt with a blender, an empty vodka bottle, and a half eAtn drumstick cone.
Just fucked in a kitchen. I never want my penis that close to knives, stoves, or blenders ever again.
Eye surgery went well. Just can't believe it took getting lasers through my eyes to temporarily stop the vivid sex dreams I was having
You would think the bank would reward me for getting my account down to 3 cents without overdrafting it.
I apologize for being mean. I love the blender and your vagina.
my cockatiel has aquired a taste for beer. I should not be allowed to own exotic pets.
Not as awesome as someone telling you that you have the biggest tits they've ever seen. And they're like 30-something, so they've seen a decent amount of tits in their lifetime.
Stop calling me, Mom. I'm in his closet. You're gonna blow my cover and I'm about to catch this lying SOB.
But like it was sooo bad! At one point he tried to flip me over and he fell off the bed
ever feel bored AND lazy?
I call it "awake" but yeah...
Randomize
