Who knew there were guys that wanted to only stalk you instead of date you? Count on me to find them!
note to self: Never ask your girlfriend to have a 3some with your ex...
She told me I was starting to look like a mermaid with herpes and I needed to stop it.
I know its time to do laundry... i cant even find a dirty sock to wear because they all have jizz in them
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
He says he's "masters drunk." And if that's anything like "kentucky derby drunk" I know enough to not go over there.
If I could have all the money back from the pregnancy test i've bought- I could buy myself a vacation.
Or a large amount of condoms?!?
Well, of course, to the untrained eye I look like a slut.
I was really excited when he said that condoms didn't fit him, then he added "they fall right off"...
Just explain how I got from the bar to a house I've never been in, waking up to a cop in uniform ripping a bong
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
His best friend's cat died so we had a drunken burial ceremony on the side of his condo at 2am and I'm pretty sure if anyone gets ahold of the video feed from Martini Monday we're all fired.
We fucked to showtunes. Never going out with a theatre major ever again.
you owe me at least a beer for the services my girlfriend just provided for you
Hypothetically speaking - is it bad if you get cut off at an airport bar at 11:30am?
Like the fear of satan was put into my heart when I saw him put that sandwich on the WOODEN BENCH
Can I just swipe right on his dad?
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