You picked a bad night to stay in. ____ caught her hair on fire in ____'s birthday cake.
She had to stop drop and roll while two other girls beat the flames out. She might have a black eye
I feel miserable, can't drink that much when I go out
We've been saying that since '98
He called me an ungrateful bitch because I lauged when he asked me "how do you me and a bed sound?"
Like I should be grateful for the 5 minutes I sit on top of him and stare at the wall.
Im holding a competition......who saw me last, and who knows how my nose got bruised? you earn points for answering either question. and for bringing me water.
IT'S FRIDAY. So quit being a pussy, get out of bed, and come help me drink these 40s. That's not a request.
My spanish isn't great but I'm pretty sure he was calling me a "little monkey" while I was blowing him
I'm making presurgery martini's. You need to be here.
I couldn't figure out her damn button fly jeans... IM NOT A FUCKING ENGINEER
you didn't want to pay for the shots so you negotiated with the bartenders. Apparently 1 shot is worth 5 seconds of motor-boating you.
In the wise words of Scar: "be prepared."
Do you think Scar was a Boy Scout?
For future reference. Do not congratulate the bar tender at oscars she is not pregnant she has just gotten fat u will get a shot thrown in your face
I think I accidentally invented a religion.
my grandpa paid for my boob job but he just doesn't know it.
Remember that time we were together? Yeah, I don't miss that.
If I have put a neon “vacancy” sign on my skirt for him to get the picture I will.
Randomize
