Do you remember getting into a Delorean last night?
I haven't seen Daniella all day...are you sure she was safe going home with that guy?
oh don't worry! i asked him if he was a rapist. he said no
Hungover like ... in bed with the Brita pitcher and a straw, only opening one eye at a time.
You can't break up with me and ask me for a handjob on the same day. At least not in that order.
She kept looking at me and saying "you are the scary high".
Our neighbors just passed us a blunt from their deck, and are hooking us up.
I just baked them cookies. We're friends now.
Your message cut off at "shit on the floor". Your life is incredible.
In other news there is a guy at my office who I'm pretty sure will be wearing someone's skin as a coat one day.
I don't want to flatter myself but after the way he was looking at me today I think it might be me.
If the river was whiskey, it would be the best river ever.
the night literally screamed "cock and ball torture"
I did something very bad. More specifically, my boss.
She started waving a nerf rifle around and demanding free booze.
Are you still passed out in my back seat, or do I need to come find you?
What time is our conjugal visit?
Umm...who is this?
I’ve chosen to watch a Mercedes station wagon drive around the Austrian in the rain because it’s live sports. If that doesn’t explain 2020, I don’t know what does.
Randomize
