I just broke up with my girlfriend lets go find strippers that need rent money.
I love you
are you drunk
yes but I def love you, we should get married
But I'm Jewish
embrace Jesus
My superpower would be to be able to make a chick instantly start her period just by thinking about it
There's just this way he looks at me that makes me want to suck his soul out through his dick.
you traded sex for a burrito?
i think he drugged the pie. i'll get back to you on that later.
you spent the rest of the night making a recipe for mixed drink called "the new years bowel remover". it has 13 parts but judging from the bold all caps, the boiled avocado is the most important
They have chocolate covered tequila candy at work. This is not a drill. May be drunk by noon.
Alright dude i'm gonna go to go sleep off this soberness. my life is a cosmic joke
currently taking a solo cab to the strip club at 1 in the morning. this is healthy.
Sometimes things go your way and sometimes you get hit on by a fat drunk girl.
I can't even remember the last time I took my own pants off
Dude. You stood in a corner laughing your ass off while folding clothes, facing the wall. Yes, they were weed brownies..
Do you remember when I didn't post that pic of you fucking an avocado on your boss' desk? Can you return the favour?
Dude, you screamed I AM THE WALRUS while giving a statue of Ronald McCdonald a lapdance. You were NOT sober.
Randomize
