Do you know that poor pathetic girl that we should be friends with
i love how he claims to not know english but when i ask him to come over and fuck me he's all of a sudden fluent
Please tell me you are a size medium in men's clown onesies and that you forgot them here last night.....
I thought about donating plasma but thats not the way i want to find out that i have aids
He's yummy.
HE'S GAY. AND 40.
Irrelevant.
I might've decided it was a good idea to try to steal all of the pool balls at the pub... I apologize in advance that we now need to become regulars somewhere (anywhere) else.
I feel a bullet train of disappointment headed in your direction.
I hear the sound of that stray bird you rescued from the kitchen but am too busy drunkenly masturbating to feed it
I WILL PAPERCUT YOUR URETHRA YOU DO NOT STEAL A MANS SECOND BIG MAC
Ok well i was gonna say you can only borrow my fog machine if you will use it to emerge from your room in a cloud of smoke after having sex with sarah, so yeah we're good
I mixed Jack with hot chocolate. This may be the best or worst idea ever. I have yet to find that out
The next time we go out, we're bringing a jar so that people can contribute to the rest of what I need to come up with for my breast implants... We'll show them yours for inspiration and persuasion.
Do you think this 2 hour Amazon delivery thing works on vibrators? Cause that would be clutch
If this gives you any indication of my current state, I stopped at Meijer after work and bought funyuns, pregnancy tests and chocolate.
On a scale of 1 to i should hide, how deep did i dig my grave?
Randomize
