Every time we have sex I can't stop thinking about Jesus
well apparently i yelled MY VAGINA WAS ANNIHILATED and his whole family heard
all i remember thinking as i was puking my intestines out is : wow.. this toilet does look like it's from the future.
I can totally hide my daquiri in my sling.
you woulda been proud of me tonight though. i only made out with 2 guys. and in my defense one of them was to get a job after graduation.
I dislocated my rib eating pizza. I think I am broken.
Close. The correct answer is shitting in a public toilet. We also would have accepted the pit of despair.
I'm wearing your poncho, and only your poncho. I'm not getting pulled over like this.
Dude. I'm busy doing PR for America. FOR AMERICA. Europeans think we can't handle liquor.
I have a breathe right strip stuck to my forehead, several inexplicable bruises and I think someone tried to paint my nails with glue, but I still have my Santa hat. I'm gonna call this one a success.
I literally have nothing else left to cut besides my drug budget; the dark days are among us
He came all over her clothes we have to leave
Did she seriously come back inside just to piss on the kitchen floor?
I slept on her porch...in her dads handcuffs
He caught me shoving meatballs into my mouth using my hand. Fuck utensils. It’s Christmas...and this is why I’m single.
They are good meatballs.
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