Last night was a blur. All I remember is jizzing in the squeegee bucket at a gas station.
The look on the soccer mom's face was PRICELESS.
...So a 6 ft tall drag queen in heels I would kill for just told me I have a dunkable ass. I'm confused...but I'll take any compliment I can.
U of I kids don't fist pump to Sweet Caroline. Get me the fuck out of here.
i was just singing like a virgin out loud my mom told me to stop kidding myself
I found the other part of your tooth if you want to put it under your pillow
He graduated with honors. I've seen him kneeboard on dry ground and run a razor scooter into a wall...anyone can graduate with honors
don't judge, it's breakfast wine Wednesday.
Whenever I'm hungover I try to stay in public as much as possible, hoping to be a cautionary tale to children. It's a public service, really.
Aaand now my client contact has seen your boobs.
We met up and made out in front of an empanada spot, if that's not romance then idk what is.
I had a dream I got back with Amanda. And then cheated on her the same day. Even my conscious is a dick
Ok maybe now I get why I'm single I think I just broke a rib pooping
You know how it is. Tell me not to do somebody and suddenly I wanna.
It's 7am. I'm sitting on the curb in last nights clothes with a nose bleed and no idea how to get home. Low moment I feel.
I fished a Couples Masturbation DVD out of somebody’s trash and kept it. That’s how desperate I am.
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