I think you should know he took my pants (buttons and zippers included) and my thong off with his mouth alone. I found my husband
I cannot believe you needed a note to remind yourself to ask me about the fourteen sleeping Mexicans.
Why did that cocktail waitress get to sleep with Tiger for 2 years, and all I ever got for living in Whorelando for five years is a couple of pictures with Joey Fatone
All she said was "the usual?" and unzipped my pants.
Her tits were the only thing that upgraded her from "no way in fuck" to "drunken mistake"
The idea of snorting emergen-c actually just crossed my mind.
Your last day of twenties? OK. Then I'll give you til midnight. Then you turn into a pumpkin. A big, 30 year old pumpkin.
is year to celebrate how much I love you, I made a mosaic of your penis with conversation hearts. it's in your mailbox.\n\nHAPPY VALENTINE'S DAY TO YOU
I'm assuming the reason my elbow is so sore has something to do with all the broken shot glasses eh?
Yep
I'm sorry, but the "Hobbit Slam" has to be a sex move.
Moral of the story: don't have drunken shower sex with the lights off...or you WILL break your foot. And the shower knobs.
you walked in on him eating me out and screamed SHE'LL BREAK YOUR HEART BRO before body slamming on the ground and passing out on the floor
We don't have any ice, so I'm using the frozen cognac to reduce the swelling on Abby's toe.
2 six inch heels, 3 big sangrias, no broken legs
Sorry about my sloppy drunk texts. I'm not sure talking about banging a near dead Jimmy Stewart was my finest moment
Randomize
