so I was like, you know platform 9 3/4? I know something else with those measurements. best. pick up line. ever.
drinking warm bud heavies i found in the garage and googling how to tell the gosselin kids apart.
A friday without alcohol is hardly a friday at all
last night this guy was hitting on me by showing me the famous people he had in his contacts on his cell... when he asked me if i knew lindsay lohan, i said "whose that? sounds asian"
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
i'm too stoned to be pregnant. the kicking is morse code for wanting beef jerky.
Well the pizza delivery man was either startled or incredibly intrigued to see me skateboarding in the living room by myself at 1 in the morning in ripped pantyhose
We role played last night. I was Brandon Inge and she was some slut from Toledo. Let's just say Triple A might not be so disappointing after all.
Taco Bell. She just parked, got out of the car mid drive-thru, ran to the dumpsters, pissed, then ran back and drove up in the line.
I really wanted to suck your dick, but I also didn't want to miss any of the movie
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
We bought only tequila and Twister. And you're STILL surprised you got pregnant?
You think you know everything because you're wearing a sweater
Would it be playing god to put spaghetti on my pizza?
Come to this bar
But I'm full of food.
MAKE ME FULL OF YOUR DICK
So we decided we're going to stop having sex...except for tonight. And probably tomorrow.
They tried to get you to drink water and all you kept shouting was, "NO MORE LIQUIDS OF *ANY* KIND."
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