I wish there was a facebook app that filtered my notifications to show only the ones having to do with people who'll fuck me.
do you ever get flashbacks of ppl you had sex with and just shudder at how gross they were/how drunk you were?
story of my life.
I decided to have standards now that i've graduated. No guys without a bed frame.
THC water in my coffee on the way to work. How's your Tuesday?
She just kept saying "bless your heart" to him while he cried because he came so fast. I think a Texas woman was just what he needed
The orgasm outlasted the Charlie horse. Pros and cons.
I have a new favorite bar game. It's called, get dressed up and go drinking alone then make up random stories of why you are alone to look less like an alc
You're not stopping till I see you on the ground trying to hold on to shit
You said you brought chipotle into a movie and I asked you to marry me and you said yes
It gave me the St Patrick's Day nickname Slutty McShitfaced. I've never felt so understood.
*tries to be fun and flirty* *literally gets peed on*
I brought her cheeseburgers and tequila but she's still mad at me.
It's 2 am on the long weekend and what am I doing? Sitting alone in my room eating chips and queso and watching Rio. Fuck I need to get laid.
After this weekend, all I can think about is bald eagles flying in front of fireworks and giving birth to fucking uncle sam. Also, beer.
I sent her a dick pic and used brett Favre's dick pick. She asked me why I had pictures of old men's dicks saved on my phone... I just can't win bro
Randomize
