i just woke up with two martini umbrellas taped to my nipples... idk how they got there
I am so stoned and my professor is handing out candy. I love Halloween.
i actually just woke up with a lampshade on my head. god damn cliches.
We'll wreck the fuck out of my furniture. How often does one really get the chance to fuck through a table with no negative consequences?
The 12 year old son winked and made eyes at me while his father fed me vodka gummy bears. Gameday yo
I love you too! Remember NO alcohol or weed at my residence because of legal ramifications.
I told my mom I'm great in bed. That is quality mother daughter bonding.
I just had to break into my old house and steal my sex tape. Good times. How have you been?
She said she is going to be sex-slave version of Princess Leia for halloween. You think there is any way I could pull off an attractive Jabba suit?
I thought you died. Don't forget it's burger night.
i dunno, a lot of my childhood feels like a drugged up fever dream
Rolled over in bed this morning and found Nutella and wet naps. Why can't it ever be a fire fighter, or Jude Law.
we tried to make a drinking game out of 4 pokemon cards you found in a drawer.
So the makeout sesh? Not so great. His stubble rubbed my face raw, he tried to push me towards auto-erotic asphyxiation, and he licked my forehead. Twice.
My Boss was giving porn recommendations. I think I'm scarred for life.
Randomize
