you should have heard her the other night. no sentence related to one preceding it. it was like she was in etch a sketch and when she moved she forgot everythin
I think I've given more of my business cards to Chipotle trying to win free burritos than anyone else
Dude. 21 days till I'm 21. It's the 21 day countdown. The 25 days of Christmas can suck my dick.
The face that yo gabba gabba comes up when I'm stoned and searching for yoga workouts is scary or dangerous
seis de mayo is my least favoite holiday because i usually spend it in bed sobbing over my poor life decisions from the night before.
No we are not "bros" because I came out of my moms vagina& you went in there.
Btw: some husbands are not impressed by me trying to snap photos of their wives camel toe.
I'm not sure what your ex was trying to say to me I was too busy chanting your name in his face
The beer bottle was sticking out of your zipper and you shook it onto unsuspecting patrons
My New Years resolution is actually to be MORE petty
I'm crying during the second episode of Golden Girls that's how high I am.
Guy from the bar last night left his number on my waterbill on the counter, at the bottom he put don't forget I can hook you up at Little Caesars I work their part time.
You sure know how to pick em.
That's just how I roll. I drink, then tell people I'm either not wearing underwear or I'm training to be a stripper.
So, I think think I left my underwear at your house. Well...not exactly your house but your roof.
He doesn't understand the concept of a strip club. He keeps falling in love
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