I just saw a pregnant woman with a cigarette and a beer walking into the Larry the Cable Guy show. I'm glad my taxes are paying her medical expenses.
i told him my stretch marks were scars from a jellyfish sting........he totally bought it
You were so hammed, you asked your buddy in Economics to plot a demand curve for Parmesan Cheese.
I gave the naked guy in the hotel hall a pop tart. He stopped crying.
You know your in for a great weekend when you buy the booze already in crutches
He literally said to me "go ahead and answer that text message while I eat you out"... Maybe I AM the relationship type...
Drunkkker than when I told the drag queen she was prettier than me
Considering how much money I just spent on slutty lingerie, it is totally appropriate for me to be plucking my nipple hair right now. Right?
No more jager for that guy. He jacked the neighbor kids big wheel, rode around making jet noises, then passed out behind the wheel and rolled it and broke his wrist
I mean, the sex was awesome last weekend, but I didn't even imagine I'd reached ovarian rupture status.
You woke up, mumbled something about forgetting to lock the truck at work, slapped my ass, then passed out again...
Someone brought brownies to work and I was skeptical to eat one then I remembered I was at work and there is no way there is weed in them. Haha I'm blaming you for that.
You tried to prove you weren't drunk by loudly singing the romanian national anthem. Why the fuck do you even KNOW the romanian national anthem?
The usual, icing my vag with a chimichanga.
let me assure you that a rugburn on your forehead is the worst side effect of tequila i have experienced to date.
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