Tell her she's as useless as a condom.
He never called back after I emailed him my booty call contract.
So you actually don't remember giving head to the Neil Armstrong statue last night?
I think a 5 ft pyramid of jello shots in honor of the egyptians is in order
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Woke up with 3 sports bras for underwear. Valiant effort drunk me.
Just had a random flashback of you tickling some guy's nipple with your claw ring, and then him moaning and stripping in the middle of the bar. You give good memories.
Worst case scenario, I put a giant cork in your vagina so you don't give birth before my birthday
He said i got a new job lets blow this money he bought 4 bottles at the club he is now crying after seeing the reciept
I convinced a shit ton of people I was a russian foreign exchange student to get free drinks. I knew learning those accents would come in handy.
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BTW he text me to text him later after the concert to hang out. Im prepping my bed but I should know I shouldn't count my dicks before they hatch
Just saw our highschool guidance counselor at the bar and he's taken six shots in the last hour. Those teenagers have fucking hardened him.
Is this what it's like to be an adult? You plan out play dates for your vagina?
As a BFF it is your duty to answer when I drunk call you at 3 in the morning because I couldn't find a knife to cut that cake. I finally found one, fell asleep with it and the cake in bed. K thanks bye.
We were high and the scary movies were scaring us too bad. Were all watching porn instead now
If I die bedazzle my coffin please.
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