dude, that chick is coming to see me and stay for 2 nights. I'm hitting the 3rd in the trifecta of friends.
You're one hell of a depraved bastard dude, I'm borderline speechless. You officially win.
They all have matching tattoos so they're all official bffs. I love my life.
homeboy just tried to sext with me at 8:30 in the morning while I was on a job interview...
so you did it...
obv...but still...it was inconsiderate.
The amount of pregnancy tests I've taken in my life is unhealthy
I found a sock full of anal beads in my dryer. At least she washes them.
I wasnt going to have sex with him until i ran into his gf at chipotle. It was like the gods were saying "Go ahead. Shes already had her burrito for the day"
We where late for the party because we spent the last hour staring at a towl becase we thought it was a raccoon
The realization of how permanent those tattoos really were set in this morning... I am SO sorry.
She told me she's dating him because his apartment is a block from Taco Bell. I don't know how she's not fat.
I'm gonna make some noodles and go to bed. Hopefully I don't fall into the stove or something.
when I woke up, he was drunk and singing "soft kitty" and petting my face
Of course it may just be the context. A dish of dog food would look lovely next to your breasts.
THERE IS WEED IN MY OVEN. HOW AM I EVER SUPPOSED TO MAKE CHICKEN PARMESAN WITH WEED IN MY OVEN.
I know you've been in hospital with meningitis, but last night I walked into a streetlight and bruised my penis so who's really suffering here
What happened to no more shots?
It went out the window just like my dreams
I either have a problem or a really good solution... I just ordered my homecoming dress off of a website that sells forplay outfits.
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