My grandmass entire neighborhood is over for dessert and i'm high as fuck...about to make a couple of freshman boys real uncomfortable
Freshman in high school? Just your type
Either I get my picture taken sitting on a fuckin pony, or I'm not coming.
I'm at the grocery store, it's 10 am and the woman in front of me just bought 3 boxes of wine. She turned around and told me not to be afraid
Working out to an exercise video on OnDemand. Also, drinking beer and eating cream cheese with a side of bagel in between stretches.
i like him when i'm sober AND when i'm drunk.i've been searching for this my whole life
I'll be a little late, "getting ready for the party" turned into "smoking a bowl and doing lines in my room for an hour and a half." But I'm on my way now. With coke. And weed.
Neighbor who got arrested at 3am just said he'd split the $ with me if I testify as the witness in his police brutality trial. He was also holding a baby and a case of beer.
You kept me hostage in your driveway until you got your point across that alaska has warm weather
let's see, i ended up walking for an hour towards a macdonalds that didnt exist, sprinted full tilt into a powerline, and left a 30 dollar tip to a waitress at dennys we made friends with. I REGRET NOTHING
where are you?
talk to ya later, gotta sled down these stairs real quick
So she just had an emotional breakdown over a birthday card with a peacock on it. Yeah. She's pretty drunk, but we made it home safely.
I have a boner in one of my pics with her which no one noticed.
Positive reinforcement! I'm training him for being a good boy and coming over. He gets sex and cookies.
One public bathroom does not equal a wedding vow
Hahahahahha. You saved a homeless man. You're actually the mother Teresa of skanks.
Randomize
