since when did accompanying a guy to a wedding mean that anal was required that night?
Just beat my spinning in office chair record. Almost puked. Totally worth it.
You should have been there to see the look on her face when I told her that my dog gives better head than her. It was a beautiful symphony of shock, anger, and disbelief.
I think he liked me better when I only opened my mouth to suck his dick.
I tried telling you she just blew me in the bathroom but you were too busy making out with her to listen
I need to do something profound in the next three and a half years so that when my kids ask what I did in my twenties I have something to say other than "made bad decisions"
I woke up to the sound of gentle rain, only to realize I was laying under a urine trough in the men's restroom. Fuck you, bourbon. Fuck you.
He puked in the voicemail. That's a true friend right there.
Use "feeling words"
Yay
No! Last time I got hit with a beer bottle
Haha, Tuesday man
Was having the best sex dream I've had in a while and only woke up when I heard my grandma fall down the stairs.
He couldn't get his dick hard. So he started yelling at it. " EVERYONE is laughing at you, you piece of shit no wonder you can't get pussy" i wonder if that happens frequently I'll try again next weekend
But I don't wanna live with them bc I need to be able to walk around naked and sex on any surface guilt free.
It's a good thing he's hot, because it seemed like he was trying to do CPR on my private parts
I taught three men with PhDs how to make a gravity bong last night. I love academia.
Randomize
