Who is John, and why is his named carved into our toilet?
My passouts and memory loss are great training for when I have alzheimers. You'll know where to look when I get lost.
Today I met the neighbor that shares my bedroom wall. When I pointed out my unit, he said, "Oh, that's you? Oh... that's you." I didn't think much of it until I was in bed tonight and I heard him clear his throat. He's. Heard. Everything.
Some dude just came up to me and stroked my beard, smiled and left. Shave?
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I wish I could rewind to my 8th birthday instead. I wanna wake up, eat as much cake as I want, and have a Transformers birthday party without someone judging me.
Today is leap day..... If that's not an excuse to blackout all day I don't know what is
I smell like icyhot and vodka... Heres to my pulled tendon.
Who says there aren't gentlemen anymore? My one night stand warmed up my car for me
his first fb message to me in 3 years was "is your cock open for business?" im blocking him
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I'm trying to be sexual and you're sending me smashmouth lyrics
It's your birthday, you should get to jizz where you want to. Jizz when you want tooo
Let's be honest, I've seen a decent amount of dicks in my life and very few of them have been worth all the trouble.
We were on the beach when you spilled sand in the bottle and said "relax it's vodka, it'll disinfect itself"
he came with me to get plan b but they didn't have any. when I started crying he said "come on it's not that bad.. ill go get sandwiches from the vending machine and we'll have our first meal together as a family"
we're tipping the strippers with chocolate coins.
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