i wouldn't be half as slutty if there were better things to do.
I'm missing my class because I'm not done with my beer
Only my sister would update her facebook status while going into labor.
You seriously don't know?He was trying to arrest you and you were shouting that you were being punk'd. Punk'd? that show got cancelled like 5 years ago.
found a pic of my little bro & his girl naked. he got the brains and the huge junk gene. I hate him
I stole a road cone for their 13 yr old son. Apparently I told him to put Christmas lights on it, and "treat her like a lady."
No one ever gets any after sleeping with her. She is like the broken mirror of hookups, enjoy 7 years of blue ball. Don't say I didn't warn you
Don't mind me. My boyfriend is carrying me because I'm broken not because I'm drunk.
It's not even 9:30 yet..
Walking out of the bathroom and not knowing you have hand soap on the front of your pants so it looks like you blew a load on yourself really sets the tone for the rest of the week...
Just saw a woman trying to order Mcdonalds at a trash can. God bless America.
It's accurate though. I am legitimately passionate about pickles. I crave pickles the same way I crave sex. It is a deep rooted animalistic need
I used an emoji to tell him I was pregnant. I should feel bad about that, right?
I just ate apple sauce in my underwear. This isn't 30. This is 3.
no real plans this weekend. trying to derail the alcohol induced fucking hell train I've been riding for the past three weeks.
I think this is the first time I heard a lesbian version of baby it's cold outside.
Randomize
