Dude just fell down the stars trying to leave class early, the prof just looks down at him and says"thats what you get"
I had 4 margarita's and 2 mixed drinks and i blew zero's. Its a cinco de mayo miracle.
You started a dance party so that you could steal their vodka and shouted "sailors out!"
I just horrified a large group of people. Congrats on dating me.
I'm off the liquor
You're forefathers are ashamed of you. They didn't struggle to make it to America so that you could become a soft dick
no one was sober enough to set up jenga so we just threw the pieces at the last person to drink
Ummm didn't i have pubes when i went to bed last night?
Dude, you can't even imagine the trip, I actually thought that there were Care Bears sitting next to me at the bar, I'm pretty sure I started hitting on the pink one.
We fucked like animals and then decided we actually liked each other so then we made love. It's a match made in heaven.
Only my second night back in town and I already have drunk middle aged women doing the robot around me in a circle.
Indeed. If boner pill commercials have taught us anything, it's the importance of waiting until the moment is right.
Where else would I get life advice?
The port-o-potty that I peed in last night didn't actually have a toilet in it. And i never told anyone until this moment.
I was just giving a mobile app demo to a client, on my iPhone, when a reminder alert appeared across the page blinking "12pm: go home and give John head". You're an asshole
Hahaha oops.
Man, I'm real high and googling what all my favorite figure skaters from childhood are doing now.
i just sneezed the second i jizzed and it got in my eye. words can't describe how much i hate life right now.
Randomize
