dude,it's memorial day.not getting wasted=you're a terrorist
once i realized i was actively trying to drink the beer i was sweating out of my body i knew it was time to go to bed
if tampons were more like dildos the world would be a better place
I used puppy pads next to the couch for her to throw up on....
I hope my tampon is in his bed. That'll teach him. Happy new years btw
I just did a Kegel and my back popped. My vagina is a gift to penises everywhere.
Sorry I missed your call. Have a great morning.
That is a horrible way of saying good morning to someone. You basically reminded me that we did not hook up yesterday. It's bad enough I got to go to work all day with blue balls.
You kept saying you we're gonna puke and wanted to steal my pants
That does not explain the remnants of a small fire in my bathtub.
You kept going up to guys in plaid and screaming "are you a lumberjack" in their faces
Ran out of deodorant. Febreze on a paper towel? Kicking college's ass.
Reminding you of hookups your brain is trying to suppress. That's what friends are fooooooooor...
I bought the restaurant a boat airhorn to wake up sleeping employees.
I love you
When breakfast is a rum &coke at the office Christmas party you know it's gonna be a good day
Everyone is a disappointment when you lose your virginity to nine inches
I know its 2 in the morning and everything. But i just straight up yelled "DON'T YOU UNDERSTAND THIS WORLD IS DIFFICULT ENOUGH AS IT IS WITHOUT YOU PULLING THIS BULLSHIT ON ME" to my taco. Because it fell apart on me. I think i might be cracking under this finals pressure.
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