I'm not sure, but I think she had a tampon in when we fucked
he's like a stage 5 clinger and he won't even fuck me. he has to be gay. my personality isn't really THAT great.
Can you deep fry cheerios do you know? crucial question
You would not believe how incredibly hard it is to climb on top of a three story apartment buildings roof from the air conditioning unit
The lady sitting right behind me on the bus has baby birds in her purse. Shes feeding them bugs from a cup with a pair of tweezers... I love san francisco!
"Where are you? Where are my keys? What is this guys name again? Why am I wearing two pairs of your pants?"
I sent him a cookie cake that said "Congratulations you're not a father"
When was the last time you wore pants?
Time is relative.
And pants are optional.
My boss followed me on Twitter. Excuse me while I delete 90% of my tweets
Some guy is in my phone as Pat McAwesome.
Basically I will actually need a reindeer pulled sleigh to make it to all the penises in one night.
Dude. She was wearing nothing but Wonder Woman panties and a flag for a cape and sneaking around leaving PBR's by passed out people for the morning. She called herself the 'Merica Fairy.
Why haven't you proposed already?
As much as my throat was opened up this weekend, you'd think I wouldn't nearly choke on a damn almond.
Mass text: dear whatever jerk off who thinks they stole drugs from me. It was birth control. Go fuck yourself. And pray that I don't get pregnant.
Who puts their birth control in a bottle with a smiley face?!
Oh fuck wait
So just spent 30 minutes of my life talking to my cousins friend who told me she buys cocaine from a pizza place by asking for extra Parmesan
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