Woke up to a denim duvet cover this morning... why r guys so tacky?
I'm buying a pregnancy test with my lunch money. Classy.
getting kicked in the face by someone doing a keg stand. just my luck
My judgement was not "clouded". My judgement was in the midst of a fucking hurricane or something ridiculous.
And on the seventh day, God carefully sculpted your cock to fit perfectly into my masterpiece of a vagina. Then he rested. Look it up.
Bartender at the wedding asked if he was making my drinks too strong. I laughed at him.
Ok, I have three hours. I'm trying to work out two blow jobs and a taco.
He sent me a snap chat of his naked torso with cookies over his nipples. Like.... that does not make me want you homeboy.
Lol I screamed "GOT AN ORDER OF VERSACE TACOS UP" and the whole kitchen was just like who the fuck is this kid
Single lady's Saturday night: eat doritos, masturbate, eat more doritos. Do shot of Jager. Repeat until desired result is achieved.
I think we ended 5-7 relationships as well this weekend...so another good stat
Pretty sure I got at least one girl to question her sexuality at the Christmas party last night
I felt like a slutty ass cruella devil driving your old car, And I got in a fight with your wipers
And now, by the power vested in me by the state of intoxication, I now pronounce you fucking awesome.
Would you still love me if I got a Whatever Forever tattoo? It's like the Emo kids' Live Laugh Love
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