I gave up sex with dolphins for you.
my facebook friend requests are always from girls of boyfriends i have fucked, facebook is the worst reminder of shame
Why are there hot girls at the dollar store?
The recession has changed everything man.
He gave me an orgasm with his left hand...and he's right handed. Of course he's a keeper.
successfully started a charcoal grill with 2 shots of everclear and some aluminum foil. i never wanna leave here
Oh my god. He likes it up the butt. But loves womanly support. Omg. Its bad. Its bad. Ive had too much whiskey for this to be ANYthing except bad.
I miss my brother. He would have fucked the fat girl for me.
I told you I would
I wouldnt do that to you. You're my actual friend
I let a blind guy feel me up. All he kept saying was "oh fuck yeah!"
This guy has a theme song for the joints he rolls
Oh, and one of the worst parts... his name was Mario. I fucked a Nintendo character.
I'm going to start charging you rent if you keep leaving your random conquests on my living room couch the morning after
You literally snort drugs up your nose and you’re questioning the brand of the multivitamin right now?
She never came back from the bathroom so I went to look for her... I was in my room and heard this rustling. And she was in my closet petting ties.
So, I need to know. Why did you spraypaint your underwear gold?
Never thought I’d use my computer science degree for teledildonics, but here I am
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