if your leaving for the weekend then im farting on your pillow
just sold my soul for a pack of cigaroos. little do they know they got the short end of the deal. suckers.
i'm gonna be such a cougar when i'm older...i just facebook stalked my little sister's 13 yr old boyfriend while drinking a bottle of wine....
Is she bent over a couch yet or did daylight savings time throw off her usual schedule?
Have you ever made a sandwich from swedish fish and tortilla chips?
he kept telling me that god made these magical balloons called condoms
you're surprised the chick that fucked you for a free cup has herpes. i don't feel bad for you.
You love him. Dinosaurs. Math. Sex.
After she cried and passed out at four in the morning, I had a very lovely, very drunken conversation with her mother while decorating a cake into the shape of a penis.
Just proved I could salsa dance in a bar where no one was dancing
Sidenote...no idea how to salsa
you invented a new sport called "bacon pulling" and you cried everytime a piece broke
What wine did you feed Jack? Might not want to waste the good stuff on kitties. Kitties only get box wine.
I love THIS fish, the rest of the ocean can go fuck itself. I am ahab and he is my whale
I think I was the only one who knew you were acting like you weren't drunk in public issues discussion this morning. Make sure you thank me in your Academy Award Speech someday.
You need to stop leading guys on at bars - you're a lesbian.
And now I'm a lesbian with better self-esteem.
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