I drank so much Goldschläger last night, I could shit a necklace.
You go to school with some of the ugliest girls I've ever seen... How are you not getting laid?
Its 6am and I'm sitting on the couch watching Clifford. Crying into my risotto because emily elizabeth helped the girl in the wheelchair get over her stagefright so she can win a trophy. Never drinking alone again.
Did you get the "i have a yeast infection from that wet frat bathroom floor" text?
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
He was drinking hot tub water because i refused to get him a glass of water...
I am in macy's and just straight up heard an old lady taking a crap in her depends.
We fucked to the rythmn of the thunder, it was magical
I have a fantastic sense of humor but being called a merman isn't funny
So when the drug raid cops tell you, you should get out of the relationship, it probably means its time.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
turns out it took a Belgian couchsurfer dressed as Heisenberg to rock my world.
You tell anyone I'm rocking out to Pitbull in an economy, base-model car, I'll kill you.
I'm talking to a corgi on tinder..wtf has my life come to
Look, his dick is so good at being a dick that it makes me see God. And I don't even believe in God.
Unless you want to see me masturbate, I think skype is a no go for now.
I just woke up in a prom dress on your bathroom floor, yea I'm 32.
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