I have got to lose weight!! Apparently no one wants to fuck a fat chick with herpes.
I just found out the FDA voted to ban Vicodin, my last connection to this world has been destroyed
I'm at a party with that guy you made out with on new years. He remembers your name!
I literally just saw a campus policeman riding a Segway pull over a moving car. you should just give up.
Just got done reading an 11 page essay for class. Took me three fucking days and the only thing I have highlighted is the name "Alexander Cockburn"
no i brought the cat to the bar. I got a weird look when I walked in but now everyone loves her.
Food Network. Taking bong rips everytime we want to eat. BOBBY FLAY.
What do you want to swallow. Press 1 whiskey press 2 rum
eating jello out of the cup. with my face. while on the toilet. i am at my lowest.
He's talking about me being Slave Princess Leia and how he'll chain me up. I don't have the heart to point out that he would be Jabba in that scenario...Is it bad that his lack of SW knowledge is destroying my lady boner?
Let's just say that in a last ditch effort to avoid getting arrested I said to the cop "but I'm not even that drunk" and he proceeded to point out (in front of a crowd) that I had "fucking pissed my pants"
I walked into the living room this morning and he was there with 3 shots in a row. He said it was "tea time."
was his pinky out?
I just had to close my blinds so my neighbors wouldn't see me drinking a beer at 9 am. GO CHIEFS!
I love you man but my hope is that you will not wake me up again by pissing on me
what the fuck is wrong with you
Do you want me to go chronologically or alphabetically?
Randomize
