I just witnessed someone getting head in the parking garage. Don't ever tell me Baylor is too conservative again.
Oh my god my life; so much cake and so little sex
Honestly, your dog is in better hands with that homeless guy.
could you please not use my mortar and pestal for its intended purpose? i just snorted cracked black pepper.
how exactly do you say, "i only agreed to meet you for breakfast because i thought we could go to your place and fuck afterwards."
when I said energy drinks I meant cocaine
Also, I'm kinda hungover this morning and I need to wire money to my lawyer. So this is what adulthood feels like
He sent me a selfie with his cat. He has found a way to my heart. And pants.
I'm hoping the sedatives kick in before I drunkenly decide to eat this whole cheesecake.
A million fucking miles away, and the sun still manages to fuck my hungover mornings up.
you are singlehandedly the most cursed object the universe ever conceived
I cant miss out on a half day of work without a booty call
I have wine with a bendy straw bitches I can do fucking anything
Stranded. In bathroom stall. No toilet paper. I repeat NO TOILET PAPER! Assistance needed asap. GO! GO! GO!
Apparently I repeatedly thanked the paramedic for saving the "happy new year" beads i was wearing. that bad.
Randomize
