bitch asked me if i cared if she kept her snuggie on while we had sex
she asked me if i wanted her to take her wedding ring off while she was giving me a handjob.
my history teacher totally just suggested that we record his lectures and play drinking games with them later so that we pay attention to the material.
He wanted a handjob during a John Wayne movie. I just couldn't find it in my heart to disrespect that man. John Wayne that is.
someone wrote "the short drunk lives here" on our door. i already have a reputation
gross. I think i'll just donate all my eggs. My children will be incredible, but they're not welcome in my womb
aaaaaand im pretty certain i told that boy i just met that "his balls better be out tomorrow"
As a general rule, drunkenness and gymnastics do not mix.
your sister totally cock blocked me last night don't even think about inviting her to taco night
I just read through our messages from yesterday and realized we both referred to me tearing my penis as a good thing. What the fuck.
Not my fault the fence refused to just break when I ran into it.
I made him cum so hard he couldn't play video games for like an hour. I've never been more proud of myself.
I was so high I just stared at the papa john's app on my phone and cried
just so you know. the medical term for period cramps is mettelschmerz.
glad to know something that causes such misery in my life has such a laughable name.
please come back. it's turned into strip rock paper scissors
Randomize
