A freshman just woke up on our back pourch... He swears there was a party here last night but we didn't have one
No it wasn't her, this girl had both hands.
Just got an Edible Arrangement my parents sent me for my birthday. Time to marinate some fruit in vodka.
Remember that foreign guy who never talked last night? He just came out of my bathroom when I woke up.
If I am going to pay someone to make me puke, it's going to be the bartender.
I just woke up tangled in fishing line while wearing someone else's bathing suit with fishes drawn all over me. What kind of sex did we have?
I just let my boss bend me over his desk and spank me. I think that is some sort of American dream.
The only person more miserably hungover from the party is the dog, and that's because he ate some balloons
We were fucking in the boat on the lake when another boat saw us and honked their appreciation.
also I have no idea whose underpants I'm wearing right now but they're super comfy and I'm not giving them back ever
He's being awfully beer snobby for a guy who ordered salad
I took a vibrator for a weekend with my parents instead of a boyfriend. I obviously have my life together.
I blacked out. Broke into their house. Took a shit, and left. This is why you can't leave me unattended.
Honestly, if you don't have a lawsuit pending against you by this time tomorrow, I'll be impressed.
I'm so gassy and it's your fault.
Randomize
