1. Call me if you need ANYTHING. 2. If you get tag teamed, I want details.
im letting my talent of no gag reflex go to waste
this kid down the hall keeps banging on his drums...i feel like i'm living in jumanji
have you seen my purse? i cant find it and my ipod is in there and that shit totally cost more than my abortion.
A stripper just got mad at me for saying goddammit. She's in no position to lecture me on morality
her moans were so awkward that i kept asking "what" when she'd say my name...
he's like a stage 5 clinger and he won't even fuck me. he has to be gay. my personality isn't really THAT great.
My ATM looks so different sober.
I put labels all over the house on things I think are mine. A cactus, the dog, and a bottle of wine.
I have too much pride to pick his chest hair out of my mouth again
I just found a video of you asking to be a whale with me.
So I come back home and a huge flock of enormous vultures are on my roof
They're waiting for you to die
Hey you remember last Super Bowl when I sent you a pic of my testicles? Memories...
HOW MANY BOYS NOT ONLY APPROVE OF YOUR PLAN TO BECOME POCAHONTAS, BUT WANT TO MAKE SURE YOU DO IT RIGHT? One, the answer is one, and he is the best and if anyone ever tries to steal him I can assure you they will never be heard from again
I now have scissors specifically made for cutting dicks off.
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