mom and grandma are in town. grandma wants to get drunk with you
i cant even explain all the reasons why i dont want to fuck you right now.
I fell alseep but then some dude picked me up. Comforter and all stuck a blunt in my mouth and carried me back downstairs because "I wasn't done partying"
It's not my theme song, it's my blowjob song. There's a difference.
Do your friends by chance have our inflatable deer head?
Nevermind, it's in the dryer.
you told the cab driver to stop being such a pussy because he wouldn't let you shotgun a beer in the backseat
The EMTs said they would give me as many blankets as I wanted if I didn't pee in the ambulance. They even turned on the sirens.
Yeah dude I should be out of the ER in about an hr. They gave me vallium. Go tell the captain its time to set sail.
Thanksgiving. This year's theme: I am thankful that I still have a liver.
You know what's worse than asking for the morning after pill? Asking for the morning after pill in a sketchy hospital in a foreign country where no one speaks English.
Note to self. Don't order a $10 bottle of wine on a 40 min flight because it seems like a good deal.
God you're perfect.
I am. So drunk right now. Good work, Frontier.
apparently, dueling with garden tools in Home Depot is strictly frowned upon
He texts me "what are you wearing" in the middle of the workday, so naturally I assume he's kidding and respond "the blood of my enemies" #foreveralone
Well my normal tinder strategy of "Will I have sex with her when I'm sober" has been paying off
there is a guy with a glowstick staff outside my house
Randomize
