he proceeded to punch 3 mailboxes in a row and when i asked him why, he said "because they were talking shit"... i need a new boyfriend. and a new life.
Just spent 45mins blow drying a joint i dropped in a beer....i felt like i dropped his infant child....
And "sexual slave/chef" was as it turns out not a real career choice...
you're surprised the chick that fucked you for a free cup has herpes. i don't feel bad for you.
Just dont tell him. Tell him you colored your vagina for breast cancer awareness month. He will understand.
She said just put your tongue in there and don't linger. I have other things to do.
Just replaced the batteries in my vibrator without turning on the lights. I need to get laid.
Side note... I would pay good money to have witnessed the reaction of onlookers as I sprinted down Armtiage with a 15 lb bag of peanuts under my arm
The sad part is I didn't even want to get laid. I just wanted the emotional connection, but my vagina was screaming "TOUCH ME. TOUCH ME RIGHT NOW BECAUSE MY DADDY ISSUES ARE MUCH DEEPER THAN MY EMOTIONAL NEEDS!" Vodka has a way of getting me out of my emotions and gets me fucked every time.
You opened the door to your apartment and shrieked "THE CHAIR IS GONE!" then punted a bag of votive candles
This makes me appreciate being single with no prospects.
So I'm hiding in my bathroom smoking bowls because my landlords kids came over to visit my dog... My life has reached a new low
I now have a "weirdest thing a guy ever did in bed" story. Cut my fingernails.
Yeah I'm gonna need you to stop it right there.I know this is supposed to be a safe space but Imma have to exit.
We watched ESPN, hooked up, got waffles. You know, a typical weekend.
I told him I wanted to get on him and ride him to Montana. It didnt end like i thought it would.
Randomize
