Changing from sweatpants to jeans at 3 in the afternoon makes the day seem so much more productive than it actually was.
I honestly get shocked all over again every time I pull his pants down. It's one of those feelings you never get tired of.
speaking of graduation plans, i'm blacked out eating sausage
Heaven was on the 3rd floor and Hell was on the first. When the cop walked up he was confused as to who the noise complaint was for and wrote both apartments a noise violation.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Solid. Can't put a price on good times
You can and it's called a liver.
I can't figure out if I'm dying from all of the booze still in my system, or from the cement wall.
What drugs are we doing when you visit?
The correct answer is all the drugs because I just found out they have glow in the dark bubbles.
Birthday are for suffering. TAke some tylenol pm and day-drink tomorrow
Everyone was in jail by 10:30. I'd say it was a successful bachelor party.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
No, you made a silk sheet toga and held up a dildo calling yourself "The Statue of Puberty". People made pilgrimages from the other party down the block to see you.
Whip out the absinthe and the taquitos, this motherfucker just passed the bar.
Hey, if a dude can't randomly belt out Whitney Houston tunes from time to time, is life really worth living??
I've officially slept through a hurricane, a tornado and had sex during an earthquake. I'm surviving.
The stripper was super into me until she pulled out my tits then I realized.... This bitch is just using my ass to get MORE TIPS
There is a baby in my apartment. What the fuck happened last night?
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