Did you know that when you swallow it's like 60 calories!?
That's okay, it's all protein anyway.
we've already established he's totally wasted. but now he's just sitting at his computer, doing i don't know what, and he keeps saying "dammmn girl" in a really low whisper
I don't think you have the libido for two women at the same time
I think you underestimate the amount of time spent masturbating
I AM SAFE. EVERYTHING IS FOG. MISSION ACCOMPLISHED.
My mom just admitted you were a good looking kid & if you weren't my friend & 30 years older she would do you. I'm going to commit suicide.
I come bearing gifts of whiskey and vagina
Using the only finger i can move, i calculated body mass, intake and time. It's mathematically impossible for me to still have this hangover at 9pm. I passed out at 8pm last night. Fuck vodka.
Using all my books as packing buffer for my liquor bottles. And you said being an English major was worthless.
I used my iced coffee to ice the bump on my head from last night
My roommate taped his phone to the ceiling fan to simulate walking so he could hatch Pokémon. Lazy people will always find a way.
You were trying to be sexy by spraying your contact solution on your chest and telling me to lick it off
the guy in front of me in walmart is buying a blowtorch, potato chips, and condoms. I'm curious and horrified at the same time.
you kept shouting 'jesus penis' when i was on the phone with 911
I feel like your boyfriend deserves to know that you're a lesbian.
he tied his pants around my leg to stop the bleeding... i think he just wanted a good excuse to take his pants off
well did it work?
it was a success in both ways.
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