I just barfed on his mom.
You told him you were too drunk to meet his parents. Totally his fault.
i wish they had a 'baby daddy' section in halmark, like, "hey, i know you didn't want this child and you're doing a horrible job, but here's to making you cry on fathers day"
i just went to use the bathroom this morning and I couldn't because there was someone puking in every stall. i'm going to miss the dorms this summer
just drunkenly made mashed potatoes at midnight. what have you done for your calorie intake lately?
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Drunk me was responsible for doing it, but sober me was definitely cheering him on
Three things I need a picture of: your friend, your bong, and your dick.
I came in your room, you looked at me and said "I fucked up" and then some kid showed up and took you to the hospital
I also think about what hot dudes penises are gonna look like when theyre 80 and it's not pretty
No it's ok I've been talking to the girl at the Chinese restaurant about your dick for the last 20 minutes. I haven't mentioned your name but she thinks she knows you.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
BUT YOU MUST FINISH YOUR QUEST
TO FIND THE HOLY GRAIL
AND GET DRUNK OFF YOUR ASS BY DRINKING OUT OF IT
Don't I can pass these orgasm blushes off as sunburn for much longer...
Must've forgot to hang up with her when I was telling Josh I plan to pop champagne if I nail her tonight. She showed up with a bottle and said "only if we can toast it with Josh"
The problem I'm having with looking for jobs while drunk is reading is really hard
I just called my grandma crying, apologizing for being the first grandchild to have premarital sex...I'm either about to start my period or pregnant.
Yesterday I febreezed my bed in between gentleman callers
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