You put your red cup in a chain link fence and kept telling me you could use it as a telescope
I just realized that the music from spongebob is also used in real sex HBO.
I have a running excel spreadsheet detailing the number of shots in a night and subsequent ability to masturbate
Gave the kid in the wheelchair at the bus stop a beer and proceede to lift him on the bus. porch drinking brings out the best in everyone
It was good I woke up with my mattress on top of me. I walked around naked the whole night as people wished my Happy Birthday.
Just picked them up. It took 6 holes and a handle of rum to evolve from golf to a demolition derby.
There's an entire pit crew of cart boys surveying the golf cart destruction.
Well if he truly loves me he will just have to accept my flaws. And that includes a tequila dependency and borderline lesbianism.
I wanna take him on a special date, something that says I banged your brother but since he moved I want you
This is now the friendly bartender typing for him. He wants to be on you. He is going to "destroy your vagina". Good luck and sorry if this woke you up!
New carpet is nice. I'm making carpet angels. Like a fresh snowfall.
I've discovered my ability to crush a man's ego is greater than my hate for beer.
So I got cockblocked by our relationship status last night
Fun fact: deep throating plus dehydration plus eating a lot of citrus = my throat is fucked. Metaphorically and physically.
It's a classy one I promise! Their toilets are cushioned an tier wifi is named hummingbird
Oh no. He's definitely text-flirting with me. No straight man over 30 has any other excuse to use so many smiley faces...
Randomize
