Just tipped at a bar in cheerios. Suck it.
You hit on the cop telling him you were celebrating the anniversary of your 21st birthday and ur boob job... That's how he got ur #
ah tequila...
Just found out my mom tried to sue the birth control company when she got pregnant with me...love you too mom.
whatever it's my dick and i'll put it wherever i want
You are the only one who would stop a bum, tell him to open up, then pour straight vodka in his mouth. You made his year.
So he was supposed to be helping me with my math but instead we ended up drinking coconut rum in his basement and having sex. I think my mom was right, getting a tutor will be good for me. Relieves the stress.
He pulled out, and the resulting cumstain on my sheets is in the shape of a fetus. The irony of this is both awesome and terrifying.
She asked the woman in the drive through to cover everything she ordered in mayonnaise, including here chilli cheese fries. Didn't happen. Then she started swerving at the car next to us screaming, asking if they had mayonnaise.
I'm getting kicked out of the place we're at. They don't like ketchup on their walls..
What eyeshadow color says "yes I am at the dentist, and yes I am hungover please don't judge my life choices"
She broke up with me after I spent the whole day speaking in nothing but Marshawn Lynch quotes.
If you get me a sex toy for Christmas everyone in my family will question our relationship.
random boy in my bed. last night wasnt a dream. fuck.
I am 11 times too hungover to give the eulogy
He was a half hour late. His excuse was that his brother knifed him right before he was going to leave. I didn't believe him until I saw the gauze.
Randomize
