My dream in life is to scissor with Ellen. I don't care if I've got a dick. I'll make it work.
Best news ive heard all week. The cougars r coming! The cougars are coming!
Okay, guy from work I want to fuck just told me he liked the font on my PowerPoint presentation. It is so on.
Make me proud, climb that corporate ladder.
Apparently I have a urinal in my bedroom
She set an alarm on my phone for her birthday. Place: Her bed.
You threw a bunch of trashcans into the middle of the street and nothing happened. I fell on one car and suddenly there were cops everywhere...
This electrician is just ripping my house apart and I'm too hungover to ask questions
Idk I'm drinking Sam Adams and wearing new balances so I'm basically a dad
Should I go bust a nut on the beach
He was awesome with her today. I can't say that it didn't make my Fallopian tubes sing "The Hills Are Alive."
Definitely the only person to buy 2 handles a 2 bottles of champagne & 3 thirties while wearing a fanny pack
I have seen you puke and 5 mins later rock my world. So there is hotness there that average people will never see..
Seriously considering taking a nap at lunchtime in my car. That. Hung. Over.
I've struck affair-gold. He's hot, he's ripped, he doesn't want a relationship, and most importantly he won't have to ask Gods permission to bang me like the last religious nut job did.
Your shit was massive.
I'm not 100% sure how to respond to that.
If you were in a "who has the massivest shit contest", you'd win by a landslide.
Randomize
