I'm going to save the lime from my McDonald's salad to use in my Corona later tonight.
He wrote my name on his dick, took a picture and then said "this has your name written all over it!"
She helped me organize my comics and then blew me. This is the one.
As of tonight I have officially had sex during every Disney movie.
im pretty sure thats the first step to being a pedafile
He showed up to the Seder drunk and tried to convince everyone that he could read Hebrew.
No mine's bigger. It just looks smaller because I'm drunk
Some guy in lab is humming along to a Sara Barrilles song. Or maybe I'm just hearing the song echoing in his huge, gaping vagina.
I sobered up in the middle of it, that I was hooking up with him in a rosemary bush. I woke up smelling like a pasta dish
We could have had it all. And by all I mean sex in your Toyota Corolla.
No one likes wet exercise unless it's vigorous sex in the shower
You kept asking us from the backseat if you were driving ok and then you kept talking to your hiccups and yelling at them to "stop it already!"
You've never felt ridiculous until you've walked through downtown in a Viking costume
Sigh. I'll find the right guy one day.
Prince charming is right around the corner and will be freaky as shit!
We just finished having sex and as soon as we get out of bed he yells "trust fall" and runs me over
I let a 30 year old guitar player that works at a call center go down on me in his backseat last night
Randomize
