I wish that one Sunday morning I could wake up feeling like I have my life together.
I'm covered in pickle juice. Why do you people leave me alone?
Who cheats on Christmas eve? It's just asking for Jesus to hate you
When you gave the girl your number the fat girl was like "take mine....here please take mine"
A guy dressed like Jesus just gave me a mini keg. Prayers really do come true.
I was high and he had on a gorilla suit. Of course I had to take a picture with him
Your a disgrace to smokers everywhere
Baked and hanging out with Al from Home Improvement's son. You can't make this shit up. Tuh-rippin balls
Wake up. We're going shopping for booze and samurai swords.
I picked a bad day to wear the catch me fuck me shoes.
Did someone catch you and fuck you?
Blow job season was short but glorious.
Pro tip: if you can avoid puking on your carpet, do so. Cleaning it up is absolutely no fun at all.
You asked to borrow my glasses for a moment. Then you whipped them at someone's head.
I'm like a sensual ninja. You turn your head for a second and.... BOOM I'm naked. It's like a naughty magic trick.
Straight up last night my mom was like josh you need to find a job that doesn't include the selling or transporting of drugs
Ok here's the plan: birth control, KFC, handcuffs.
Randomize
