The jonas brothers playing in your laptop. This is why guys won't sleep with you...
We have had massive layoffs this year, yet the guy who cant flush his shit seems to still have a job
Nothing says fuck you quite like putting your used condom in someones mailbox for them to find in the morning.
Security brought me back to our hotel room in a wheelchair last night. Vegas.
And if you ever tell anyone that I will fucking kill you.
At the bar. Madeline and I totally brought our own pitcher from home because they always run out. Hello alcoholism.
Cops do not care. One just laughed and said "precious"
I was going to text him and apologize but I didn't want him to think that meant I approved of him being my niece's booty call.
Christ, I really took the slutcake last night.
Wait. Someome brought slutcake?
Your whole purpose in life is to just float around and satisfy lonely women and also join lesbian couples in threesomes.
She's like the King Midas of sexual confusion. Everything she touches turns to gay.
it'll be okay! And just think of this ultrasound as the most action you've had in a month...
Please can we have sex in this office for old times sake
Just dropped the most perfectly rolled joint into the toilet I just finished taking a shit in, hadn't even had time to flush, 5 second rule?
No!
On another note, I think my upstair neighbor is having sex. How awkward would it be if I showed up to her door with a bag of Chipotle?
they just got in argument over who had more of your dick pics. quit sending shit to my sisters fucker
Randomize
